


It Doesn't Work That Way

by averxyz



Category: IT (2017), IT - Stephen King, It movie - Fandom, Reddie - Fandom
Genre: Eddie Kaspbrak - Freeform, IT 2017 - Freeform, M/M, Reddie, Richie Tozier - Freeform, Slow Burn, it 2019
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-28
Updated: 2017-11-28
Packaged: 2019-02-07 12:35:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12841299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/averxyz/pseuds/averxyz
Summary: Each month Richie gets sadder. Will someone be able to stop his downward spiral before it's too late?No Pennywise au (who is she? I don't know her,) takes place in the late 80's, all of the losers are 16/17, nothing nsfw so it doesn't matter that much, I'm writing some of this from experience, some of it not, so I'm sorry if it all doesn't tie in that well.





	It Doesn't Work That Way

**Author's Note:**

> TW/ warnings: suicidal thoughts, self harm, suicidal things, parental abuse  
> Seriously, please don't read if reading things like this upsets or triggers you in any kind of way.

Richie had always thought of himself as an outcast. Yeah, he was a part of the losers club, as some people called them, but he felt that even with his friends he didn’t fit in. He felt that no one in his group really valued him. He felt as if everybody in the group had a place except for him.

Bill had been the leader of the club. He was the best at making decisions, and he was a genuinely good friend. Then there was Stan, sure had an obscure sense of humor, but he was also really smart, and he had a way of just knowing things. Mike was basically the group’s historian. He knew all about the town’s past to the point where he seemed obsessed. Ben was the group’s poet lover-boy, with the kindest laugh you have ever head. How could you complete a group without a Ben? Beverly was the only girl in the group, so how could everyone not love her? She was pretty, smart and had the best sense of humor. She was just so chill overall. Then there was Eddie, whom Richie adored. Eddie was obviously the hypochondriac, pocket-sized nurse of the group. They all somehow fit just perfectly in the group. But then there was Richie. Sure he could crack a few at least decent here and there but, what else was he good for?

August 

School had just ended and kids were pouring out of the building like a title wave. Richie and Bev had gone to their usual spot on the side of the school where no one would be able to see them unless they were looking directly at the two. Without words being exchanged Bev took a cigarette out of her leather jacket and put it between her lips. Richie took out his lighter from his oversized jean jacket and lit the cigarette. They sat down on the side of the wall and Bev let out a puff of smoke. She then proceeded to look at Richie and give a gesturing motion to the cigarette. Richie took it between his fingers and plopped it on his between his lips.

“So what’s going on with you Tozier?” Bev asked breaking the comfortable silence between them as Richie let out a puff of smoke upwards.

“What’s it to you Ringwald?” Richie replied with a grin handing the cigarette back. That had been their thing. Every day after school they would come outside and share a cigarette.

“Well since you didn’t feel the need to share your crush on Eddie with me, I now know that I need to ask what’s going on in that mind of yours,” she replied as it was obvious, but nevertheless with a smirk. If Richie had the cigarette in his mouth he would have ended up spitting it out creating a burn on his black skinny jeans. Thank god he didn’t.

“I do not have a crush on Eddie,” Richie responded looking at Bev as if she had gone crazy. Bev took the cigarette away from her mouth revealing her almost shit eating grin as she blew away the smoke.

“Surrree you don’t,” she said handing back the cigarette with a giggle.

“I’m serious Bev, I don’t like Eddie! I’m not gay!” He defends and immediately regrets it. He looks around to make sure no one is listening to their conversation. After he does a thorough examine, he lets out a relieved exhale and takes the cigarette from Bev.

Bev’s eyes soften as she continues to talk to him. “Look Rich, that’s not what I’m trying to say. Look, it’s just me. You don’t have to hide anything. We’re supposed to tell each other everything. We’re supposed to be best friends. You don’t have to worry about me judging you,” she says sweetly. A much different tone from what she was using before. Richie smiles at the idea of them being best friends. He revels in the feeling of actually being valued by someone.

Richie gave a smile to her as he handed back the cigarette. He didn’t want to be rude with her when she was genuinely just trying to be a good friend, so he held back the urge to snap back with some asshole joke.

“Why does it even matter? It’s not like he would ever feel the same way,” he said almost defeated. Bev’s lighthearted smile was taken away by his last comment.  
“You don’t know that Rich,” she said trying to be supportive, “for all you know he could like you right back,” she finished with a smile. 

“How would you know,” he asked genuinely wanting to know what her answer would be.

“Well I did figure out you liked him didn’t I? I see the way that you look at each other,” she smiled and inhaled the nicotine. She did have a point. “Plus he’s always wearing those tight red shorts that just seem to scream ‘gay’ to me,” she said with a suggestive high pitched voice and giggled looking back at Richie. 

“You got me there,” he laughed looking back at Bev through his big ass glasses.  
“What about you and Ben? How’s it going with you two, if you catch my drift?” he asked suggestively with a wink.

“Oh my god Richie, I’m not talking about my sex life with you,” Bev rolled her eyes.

She pushed the cigarette against the wall to put it out. She then dropped it on the pavement near the wall. It had landed in a pile of cigarettes that had been manifesting since the first day of school a few weeks ago.

“We better pick up that pile sooner or later or else someone’s going to find it and catch us,” Richie scolded her but not actually caring what would happen if someone did manage to find their stash of cigarette butts. 

“Oh shut it trashmouth,” Bev smiled looking up at Richie. He threw an arm around her as they walked away from the school. For the first time in a long time Richie felt hope. Hope that one day he would finally belong somewhere, even if it was just with Bev. He didn’t know how long this new found hope would last for, but it sure as hell felt good right now. Apparently, not very long.

September

The losers club had grown worried about Richie. He wasn’t acting like himself. Truth is, he wasn’t himself.

Richie’s parents were beating down on him like there was no tomorrow. He tried to go to school with the same trashmouth physique as always, but some days he couldn’t even bare to muster a smile.

To make matters worse Eddie had gotten himself a girlfriend. The two boys didn’t spend nearly as much time together as they used to. It was all taken up by that bitch Vanessa. They had only been together for a few weeks, but at this point they were attached at the hip. Wherever Eddie went, Vanessa followed like a puppy dog. Richie hated her. Okay maybe he didn’t hate her, just the idea of her. She should not be allowed to date Eddie. Eddie Kaspbrak should be reserved for Richie, and Richie only. They had been friends since they were children. Richie didn’t understand why Eddie would do something like that to him. Richie was hella jealous out of his mind.

Richie would try to act like everything was more than okay, but eventually the losers caught on. He started to miss perfect moments to make unnecessary dirty jokes about Eddie’s mom. While Eddie might have been thrilled to know that Richie was changing into a better man, he knew better. Eddie knew when Richie wasn’t acting like himself.

Richie was standing by his locker glaring at the disgusting couple through his bulky glasses. Even though Eddie was only about 5'6, he still gained about an inch or so on his girlfriend. They were talking whilst their arms were wrapped around the other. Richie wished more than anything that he could take her place and run his fingers through Eddie’s soft hair. 

Eddie glanced in Richie’s direction and they locked eyes for a moment. Eddie looked back at his girlfriend and muttered out what only could be along the lines of a “see you later”. He then pecked her head and started towards Richie. Richie slammed his locker door shut giving one last glare as he started walking in the other direction. He didn’t want to talk about it. What could he even say? “Hey Eddie! What’s going on dude? Hey, by the way, I might actually be in love with you! So why don’t you just break up with your girlfriend right now to be with me? I’m sure you can learn to love a depressed, chain smoking, fucked up, washed up nobody like me!” Yeah. No.

Richie could hear his name being called by a sweet voice that Richie had fallen in love with over the years with. As much as he loved it, he trudged through the halls passing people loitering in the halls before the next class period. Eddie managed to catch up with him and give him a tug on the back of his oversized jean jacket which was now filled with iron-on patches he put there himself. Richie stood there before turning around to face him. Richie’s 6'1 height towered over Eddie like a skyscraper.

“Hey,” Eddie says quietly, not really thinking this situation through first.   
“What’s going on Spaghetti Man?” Richie asks through pained eyes, a fake smile plastered across his face in hopes of convincing Eddie he is perfectly fine. Eddie is smarter than that. He can see the hurt in his eyes, especially with those glasses magnifying them. Richie looks to the left to avoid the now uncomfortable eye contact.

“First of all, don’t call me that-”

“You know you love it E-“ 

“Second,” Eddie holds his finger up to silence Richie, “what’s going on with you? You’re acting so weird all of a sudden,” Richie’s facaded smile faltered a bit as Eddie continued, “talk to me Richie. I thought we were best friends.” There it was again. The whole “we’re supposed to be best friends” mantra. If it came from anyone besides Eddie, Richie would have screamed. 

Ever since Bev used it last month, every loser was using it trying to get closer to Richie using that specific combination of words in a different order. He didn’t know if it was on purpose or not, but it was driving him insane. At first he loved being thought of, but after a while the rest of the losers just expected him to tell them all everything about his life. I don’t owe any of them jack shit, Richie thought.

“Aww, it’s too cute when you worry about me Eds,” Richie pinches Eddie’s cheek and Eddie slaps it away quickly, “but I’m perfectly fine. No need to worry that pretty little mind of yours,” he smiled for real that time as he ruffled the shorter boy’s hair. Eddie swipes at Richie’s hands again.

“Richie, I’m serious,” Eddie looks into Richie’s eyes carefully, but sternly.  
“Oh my god Eddie, how many times to I have to say I’m fine, I’m fucking fine!,” Richie tries to joke, but it ends up coming out more annoyed as he throws his arms up. Eddie looks in both directions realizing the scene that they’re starting to create. 

“Richie, calm down. This is what I’m talking about. You’re acting different,” he whisper-yells trying to be calm, but obviously not succeeding.

“Well maybe if you payed more attention to anyone else beside yourself you would’ve been able to catch on quicker!”

“What are you talking about Richie?” the pain in his eyes evident as Richie continued speaking.

“Oh don’t play dumb. You’ve been spending all of your time with that little girlfriend of yours. Have you ever thought how that made me feel?” Richie chose his next words carefully, not trying to out himself to the whole school, “Like you said Eddie, we’re supposed to be best friends, huh, that’s what you said huh?” Richie hadn’t even noticed that he was using his height to an advantage to tower over Eddie. He hadn’t noticed the rest of the hallway go silent. And he definitely didn’t notice how Eddie’s eyes had become glazed at Richie’s hurtful words. 

Richie fucked up.

“Wait Eddie,” his voice became small as he reached out to him. Eddie squirmed away from Richie’s touch.

“Just don’t,” Eddie said trying to keep his composure but letting a tear escape. He turned around and Richie watched as he walked away.

Richie walked out of that building not caring how many classes he had left. He knew he wouldn’t be able to sit through shit that he already understood. He wish that right now he could hold Eddie in his arms and tell him how much he loves the other boy. But things didn’t work that way for Richie. It never did. 

※ ※ ※

Richie was at home listening to his cassette tapes, trying to drown out the noise of his parents’ screams of anger. As much as he tried to fill the screeching with his own version of ambient noise, he got fed up with his parents’ bickering and went downstairs. He came down the stairs and headed towards the door. He didn’t know where he would go, but all he knew is that he wasn’t going to come back that night.

“Where the hell do you think you’re going,” his mother slurred at him.

“Out,” he said grabbing his jean jacket off of the kitchen counter. 

“Oh I don’t think so,” his mother’s eyes showed no love, not even the slightest bit of humanity. There was no human left in either of his parents . He didn’t want to end up like that. He couldn’t.

His mother drunkenly walked up to him, beer bottle in her hand. He headed for the door again, this time more quickly.

What happened next was a blur. His mother launched a beer bottle at the back of his head. Richie had somehow managed to duck just in time. He heard the bottle smash against the door in front of him. He avoided fatal injury, but he wouldn’t walk away without scratches. The bottle had shattered everywhere, including his face. With his hands over his head, almost in fetal position, he didn’t realize the tears that had started to form in his eyes until they were pouring down his cheeks. His eyes were closed from the blow, but he didn’t feel like opening them again. He just wanted to sit there, crying, because that would be the easy thing to do. He knew that when he opened his eyes he would have to face the truth, his reality, no matter how much he wished it didn’t exist.   
He opened his eyes to his surroundings. He saw the familiarity of his house, but he couldn’t feel that the familiarity of home. He gained the courage to face his mother, but continued to crumble into himself every passing moment.

“Oh you’re going to cry about this shit now, oh for fucks sake give me a break,” she spoke with no compassion. 

“Give the damn boy a break Maggie,” his father screeched from behind her.

His mother turned around to face his father, “Oh really, you’re one to fucking talk Wentworth,” she points his fingers in his face.

Richie finally took his leave, deserting his parents behind him. He felt the mildly cold air hit his tear stained cheeks as he shut the door behind him.

He hopped into his beat up truck that he managed to buy with the money that he earned from working extra shifts at the arcade. 

He ended up driving. He didn’t know where he was going, but that didn’t stop him. He turned on the radio and listened to whatever shitty song that came on. He didn’t know how long he had been driving.

Then as he was about to turn the radio off, the lyrics of the next song entered his ears. It was Africa by Toto. He smiled at the memory that played in his mind.  
They were about 10 or 11 when Eddie heard the song for the first time. He also remembers the first time Eddie made him listen to it. At first he was reluctant because they both had a completely different music taste. But when he listened to it he was glad he did. He eventually memorized all the lyrics and every time the song would come on they would sing it together completely off pitch. That was one of the first times Richie fell for Eddie without even realizing it.

He then knew what he had to do. He looked in front and behind him to make sure there were no cars. He then did a complete U-turn and headed straight for Eddie’s house. It didn’t matter if they were on bad terms right now, Richie needed Eddie. 

Richie ended up speeding to Eddie’s, but his fast he was going was the furthest thing from his mind. Richie saw Eddie’s house come to view and without hesitation he slammed the breaks and put the car in park. Turning off the engine, he hopped out of the car and kicked the door closed before using his gangly limbs to sprint towards his best friend’s house.

As he arrived at Eddie’s house, he looked up at the window separating him from the boy he loved. It wasn’t too high off the ground. He used the brick wall and the tree next to him to haul his body up the side of the house.

Richie sat in an uncomfortable position as he knocked on the glass. Richie could see some stirring in the dark. He let a smile creep on his face when Eddie rubbed his eyes and turned on the light. Eddie looked around to see what the noise could possibly be.

As Eddie turned to Richie he let out a yelp as he realized that someone was sitting outside his window. It took him a moment to figure out it was Richie and he walked over to the window. Eddie opened it and he opened his mouth to talk, but as Richie climbed in he realized the apparent slices in his face. Soon enough Richie was in full view, looking down at Eddie.

Eddie put his hands on Richie’s face carefully, making sure not to touch his cuts. He looked into his eyes as if asking a question and at the same time searching for his answer.

“My parents, don’t want to talk about it,” Richie explained, voice low and barely audible, even for the two of them.

“Are you sure you’re okay? You have glass in your face,” Eddie said taking his hands away. Richie’s cheeks ran cold as he felt the absence of Eddie’s hands.   
“Yeah,” he laughed a bit at his friends concern, “I’m fine,” he said truly meaning it. There was a silence looming over them for a bit before Richie spoke again.  
“Can I️ stay over, or…?” he chucked.

“Yeah sure, just let me clean your face first,” he walked over to his dresser to grab his fanny pack. As he rummaged through the contents in the bag, Richie took of his shoes and sat down on Eddie’s bed. Eddie walked back over to Richie with some supplies. 

“This might sting a little,” Eddie explained before he touched the antibacterial wipes to the cuts. Richie let out a hissing noise in agony as Eddie wiped away the dry blood on his lip and cleaned it. Eddie did the same thing to the two cuts on his right cheek and the cut almost above his right eyebrow. Richie looked at the smaller boy in front of him with fondness as he calculatedly cleaned the other boy’s face.

Eddie also managed to pluck out the small glass that had ended up scraping Richie’s face. There were no words exchanged, but Eddie was all too focused on cleaning Richie’s cuts. Meanwhile, Richie was all too focused on Eddie’s face, focusing how his tongue would poke out in concentration, and how every time he managed to pull out another piece of glass, his face would light up with satisfaction in himself.

Eddie was done and he pulled out his bandaids. Richie snickered to himself.  
“What,” Eddie asked, a grin forming on his face as he peeled back the paper from the sticky part of the bandaid.

“Really, rainbow bandaids?” Richie snickered again.

“Oh my god Tozier, shut your mouth,” Eddie giggled, applying the rest of the bandaids. Eddie gathered the supplies to throw away. He turned to walk out of his room and throw it away in the bathroom across the hall. 

“I’ll be right back,” he whispered.

Richie laid back on the bed breathing in the scent of Eddie’s room. This is nice, he thought to himself as his eyes grew heavy.

Eddie walked back into his room quietly closing the door and locking it so that his mother couldn’t barge in the next morning and see the two; even if they didn’t have anything to hide.

“So do you want me to get my sleeping bag or-” Eddie stopped talking as he saw the sleeping boy on his bed. He thought about waking him up, but the boy had already been through enough and needed some sleep. He also thought about sleeping on the floor himself but, I’m not sleeping on the floor in my own damn house.

Eddie walked over to the bed and pulled Richie’s shoes of carefully, making sure not to wake him up. He crawled on top of the bed next to Richie. He pulled the covers up and let his back face towards Richie. And if they ended up facing each other the next morning, neither of them would mention it.

And that would become a regular thing, Richie climbing through Eddie’s window every night to get some sleep. That was, until it wasn’t.

October

For once in his life, Richie felt a tinge of happiness. He felt as if things might actually fall into place for him. He slept over at Eddie’s every night. It had become their thing. Even if they got into a stupid argument that day, there was always the unspoken promise between them that Richie would come that night. He always comes, Eddie thinks as he looks out his window. His mind replays the events that happened earlier that day.

Eddie had been walking home alone, not a good idea for such a small boy like him. He was kicking rocks in front of him, not really paying attention to his surroundings. 

“Hey, fag,” he heard from in front of him. That had caused Eddie’s head to jerk up and he stumbled a bit, tripping over his own feet. He then saw the person standing in front of him. Henry Bowers.

“Wh-what d-do you wuh-want,” Eddie choked out trying to seem confident, but failing miserably.

“Wait, you aren’t the stuttering one are you? No that’s b-buh-bill,” Henry laughed maniacally as he stepped closer to him.

Eddie tried to step back, but Henry followed every step forward. Eddie turned around and tried to make a break for it. He was abruptly stopped when he felt a pull on his backpack. Henry turned him around, and Eddie ended up face to face with Henry’s snarly teeth.

“And where do you think you’re going wheezy,” Henry gave an uncomfortable smile. Eddie then felt a clenching feeling in his gut. Henry punched him. He fell to the ground, but before he fell, he saw someone out of the corner of his eye. Richie? He was just standing there, watching. 

He landed on his back, his backpack thankfully pillowing his fall. Henry then proceeded to unstrap Eddie’s fanny pack. He then examined it with a grin, showing his snarled teeth. He opened it and poured out all the contents inside of it. If Eddie wasn’t gripping his stomach for dear life, he would have tried to grab the medication falling out. Henry gave him one last kick as if it was for good measure. Henry laughed and walked away, seemingly proud of himself.  
Richie had been frozen. He tried to move, he tried to call out to Henry to stop, but nothing happened. He just stood there like an idiot. Seeing the situation unfold reminded him too much of what went down at his house regularly. He shuddered at the thoughts that came back to him. 

It took him a little while to realize that Henry was now gone, and Eddie was laying there gripping his stomach in pain. Richie finally felt his legs move towards Eddie.

“Hey Eds, you okay?” Richie asked when he got close enough to ask. Eddie was still clenching his gut. 

“What do you think smartass?” Eddie felt the need to respond with sarcasm for such a dumb question.

Richie started to pick up all of the spilled medicine and put it back into the fanny pack. He then helped Eddie up from his place on the ground. Eddie seemed fine, no bruises that he saw. He handed the fanny pack back to Eddie.

Eddie took it back and strapped it back around his waist. He didn’t know if he should bring it up.

“How much of that did you actually see?” Eddie asked.

“Not much,” Richie lied, rubbing the back of his neck. Eddie knew his tells. Richie always rubbed the back of his neck when he wasn’t telling the truth.

“Oh really? Because I could have sworn when I got pushed down, I saw you standing over there,” Eddie gestured vaguely behind Richie. 

“Oh right, yeah,” Richie swallowed the lump in his throat, not really knowing what to say next.

“So you just stood there while I got my ass kicked?” he was angry. Richie didn’t say anything.

“And now you’re just standing here again,” Eddie was practically yelling.

“How come you didn’t help me! How come you’re just standing here!” Eddie waited for an apology.

“Do you even have anything to say to me!” Nothing.

“God you’re the fucking worst, you know that! You’re a worthless piece of shit! You can’t even help your best friend when he’s getting his ass kicked! What’s wrong with you Richie! What’s wrong with you!” Still nothing.

Eddie scoffed. When he walked past Richie he shoved into his shoulder for extra umph. This was a mistake because Eddie ended up stumbling a bit and he walked away with a limp from Henry’s last kick. He left a speechless Richie behind with tears filling his eyes.

Out of all the thoughts racing through Richie’s mind, only one stuck. 

Worthless.

※ ※ ※ 

Worthless, Richie thought as he scraped the scissors against his skin once more. He looked at his blank wrist again. He held the safety scissors in his right hand, looking at the blunt blade. He wasn’t trying to hurt himself. He just became bored with sitting in his bed, staring at the ceiling, contemplating the unruly events of that day.

Richie was crying. He took off his glasses so that they wouldn’t become fogged from his tears. Richie wish he had the courage to stand up to Henry. He wished he could have been there for Eddie. He should have been there for Eddie! Why wasn’t he? Oh he knows why. It’s because he was “worthless,” Richie’s voice came out hoarse as he pressed harder than he ever had before. 

It was an accident. He didn’t mean to. Richie wiped his tears away with his right hand as he grabbed his glasses with his left. He caught sight of his mistake. He saw blood running from the slight cut in his skin. It was a small indent the size of his fingernail, hidden within the natural lines of his wrist.

He stood up to grab a bandaid. He tried, but couldn’t take his eyes away. He watched as the light red liquid slowly shed out of his skin. He stood there in a trance. He didn’t know how long it had been; but he felt better. He let out a sigh as he fell back onto his bed. He wasn’t able to hold back the tears that invaded his eyes.

※ ※ ※

Eddie waited. He stayed up late to see if Richie would ever come. He ended up falling asleep on his windowsill due to his tiredness from the day anyways.

Richie never came.

November

At this point Richie was barely a shell of his former self. No one thought that the infamous trashmouth would suddenly become mute. Now, when he passed the losers in the hallway, there wasn’t even a smile exchanged. Even his smoke sessions with Bev after school had been cut short when she decided to stop showing up. He was the definition of a loner.

He had also heard that Eddie recently broke up with his girlfriend through the whispers in the hall. He wished he could have been there for his best friend. He wish he could be with his best friend, the person he loved; the only person he loved. But that’s not how it worked out for Richie.

And to be honest, he missed all the losers more than he thought he would. He missed Ben’s little poems that he would write for him during class. He missed going to Mike’s farm and seeing all of the animals. He missed the little talks he and and Bev would have after school. He missed Stan’s comments about how he could ‘never shut the fuck up’. He even missed Bill’s annoying stutter. He missed everything. And now, he was left with nothing.

Richie wasn’t doing well, physically nor mentally. You could see that something was physically taking a toll on him. He never got enough sleep, so he was always seen with major bags under his eyes. No one could even remember what his smile looked like. It was taken by the look of gloom that never seemed to leave his eyes. 

Ever since he accidentally cut himself, he thought it would be a one time thing, nothing would come from the mistake. Yet here he was now, with little white marks stripping down his left arm, hidden by his oversized jean jacket. Richie was sick, he needed help. He knew this, he knew he was ill, but he wasn’t able to stop. He tried, he told himself he wouldn’t do it again. But whenever things got too much to handle, he needed to see the blood spill out of him again. He didn’t know how to stop.

And to be honest, Eddie wasn’t doing too well either. He took Richie’s leave harder than the rest of the losers club. He wished that he didn’t overreact to one stupid mistake Richie made. He wished he didn’t make all of the losers turn against Richie. It was his fault that they weren’t friends anymore. 

Eddie missed Richie insanely. He never knew how much that boy meant to him. He missed his crude comments. He missed his smile. He missed the way he had to push his glasses up his nose every two fucking seconds because they were to big for him. He missed seeing his dark curly hair through his window each night. He missed the way his lanky arm would wrap around him and silently lull him to sleep.

He had become distant with the rest of his friends, but not as distant as Richie. It got to the point where he would even ignore his girlfriend. When she confronted him about it, that had been the last of them. Eddie broke up with the girl, but in the nicest Eddie-way possible, saying he just wasn’t in the right place for a relationship at the moment. But that had been a lie. He wanted a relationship more than anything. But not with her. Not anyone but the one person he couldn’t have. Eddie was in love with Richie. Too bad it was too late to tell him.

Eddie constantly beat himself up about it. He couldn’t count the amount of times he almost picked up the phone and almost broke down and confessed to Richie over a phone call. He couldn’t count the amount of times he almost ran up to Richie during school to plant a kiss on his mouth.

Richie was barely in school anymore. He had only shown up a total of sixteen hours over the past month and a half. He tried to keep his grades up though, it was the only thing that would get him out of this godforsaken town. That’s why Eddie finally decided to take the chance to go up and talk to him when he saw him. That’s what he tried to do this time, only when he finally got to Richie, his mind blanked.

Richie was at his leaning against locker, arms crossed, he seemed to be in a daze. His suspicions were confirmed when Richie didn’t look at him when he walked up. Eddie tapped him on the elbow twice. Richie turned his body to face Eddie, clearly taken off guard by the way his body jerked from the touch, but his facial expression never changed.

Eddie looked into his eyes carefully. He didn’t see the Richie he knew, the Richie he fell in love with. That Richie was replaced by someone with no humor, no expressions, no emotions. Richie wasn’t talking.

“Hey,” Eddie’s voice came out small, but feeling better after of finally putting some words in the air between them.

Richie skeptically looked over Eddie. Eddie noticed this and got nervous. He leaned against the locker next to Richie’s and started to anxiously play with his fingers.

“What do you want Eddie?” Richie asked exasperatedly looking at his feet. Richie loved talking to Eddie again, but he didn’t know how to show it. 

“I- nothing. I just wanted to talk to you,” Eddie missed the horrible nicknames that Richie came up with for him.

“You just wanted to talk to me? Why, for what? So you can tell me how shitty a friend I am? No thanks Eddie,” Richie was actually beginning to get angry. Eddie couldn’t just walk up to him and pretend they were friends. It hurt Richie too much to think of all of the times he wanted to call Eddie. How many times he ran up to Eddie’s window, but deciding to turn back to go back to his own house, or wherever he was staying that night. No, it doesn’t work like that.

“N-nuh-no,” Eddie stammered out, “I’m worried about you,” he seemed so small compared to Richie even more now.

“Oh a little late for that don’t you think? Why do you even care? What made you decide to give a shit about me this time around?”

Richie crossed his arms. Doing this rolled up his jean jacket slightly, revealing the scars he bore along his wrist. Eddie took sight of this and without thinking, he grabbed Richie’s hand in his own and brought it to himself. Richie became confused at this action, his eyebrows slightly furrowed. Eddie rolled up the sleeve to see the jagged marks etched into his skin.

Eddie wasn’t supposed to know about that.

“Richie…” Eddie’s voice was soft, his eyes glossed as he looked back into Richie’s faintly blot shot eyes.

“Fuck off Kaspbrak,” Richie growled as he pushed down his sleeve, taking his arm back from Eddie’s grasp. Richie eyed him up and down before turning the other direction and walking away. 

Each boy had let the other slip through their fingers another time. Both had tears in their eyes, wishing their fate had cooperated with their desires of the other. But that’s not how life treated either of them. Why couldn’t it work that way? Eddie thought as he stood there watching Richie vanish before his very own eyes.

December

“Shut up kid!” Richie’s father screamed as he used Richie’s jacket to slam him against the wall of the living room. Richie tried his best not to let his head hit the wall, but the two objects still collided. He was probably bleeding, but he wouldn’t know for sure until later.

“You need to learn to keep your trap shut,” his father screamed with their faces too close for Richie’s comfort, “you need to be taught a fucking lesson boy.”

Richie regretted getting between his parents’ fight. His father was hitting his mother, and she was falling to the ground. He had yelled at him to stop. That’s when everything went south. He didn’t know why he even cared. His mom was just as bad, so he should’ve just let it happen.

His dad beat the shit out of him. He left bruises on his face and stomach. If he wasn’t bleeding before, he definitely was now. Richie mostly blacked out exactly what happened. All he knew was that he was now lying on the ground with his father hovering over him.

“Worthless piece of shit,” his father breathed out before spitting in his general direction. His face inched closer.

“Now get out of my sight!” he screamed at the fragile, now very broken boy.

He would have left that damn house if it wasn’t for the snow outside. It was too cold to sleep at some bus stop. He also didn’t have nearly enough gas in his tank to get him remotely far enough. But that didn’t really matter because he didn’t have anywhere to go.

He made his way up to his room, making sure to slam the door closed behind him. His parents both left, probably to go fuck somewhere else besides his shitty house. He was left alone with his tears.

※ ※ ※

Richie sucked down four cigarettes within the past hour. While the time passed he contemplated the piece of shit that he called his life. At this point he had nothing left to give. The world wouldn’t care if he suddenly fell off the face of the Earth; in fact, it might actually be a better place without him. He had no life left in him, no compassion. 

He had ended up like his parents. 

Richie felt himself physically rip to shreds at the realization. He had no one to care for, and no one loved him. The only person that he gave a shit about was Eddie. 

Eddie. That was Richie’s last hope. He didn’t care how long it had been, he needed to hear his sweet voice, telling him everything was going to be alright.

~

Eddie rose up from his bed when he heard the phone ring. He reached for it, he almost answered it, he almost picked up the phone. Then he saw who was calling him. Richie. 

Eddie didn’t want to talk to him. Ok that was a lie, he really wanted to talk to him. He just didn’t have the courage to pick up the phone.

Richie sighed when it went to voicemail. He tried three more times. No answer. He~ laid back on his bed wondering what to do. This was his last try.

Eddie left the room before the last call. He didn’t hear what Richie had to say to him. Eddie went downstairs and saw that he had a voicemail on his answering machine from Richie from a minute ago. He bit his nail, wondering if he should listen. He did.

Eddie was now listening to the shaky voice of Richie. 

“Hey Eds,” Richie said and Eddie smiled at the nickname he hadn’t heard in so long. He was confused as to why Richie seemed to be crying. “I know we haven’t talked in a while, so this is a pretty shitty thing to do. I just wanted to let you know Eddie, you mean fucking everything to me,” Richie let out a strangled chuckle, and Eddie wondered what he was trying to say, clearly taken aback at the bold comment. Eddie inched closer to the machine. “God I don’t even know why I’m calling you to tell this. It’s not like it will matter. You probably hate me. Your probably not even listening right now and I’m just making a fool of myself.” Another strangled laugh. “But if you ever get this Eds, I just want to let you know I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.” Click.

Eddie stood there for a moment, in a daze from Richie just said. Why was he confessing his feelings now? Why was he sorry? Then all of the pieces fit together. Richie was going to kill himself. 

Eddie didn’t waste a second of his time. Did he even have any time? He tried to call Richie back. No answer. He didn’t even bother putting the phone back in its place, so it hung from the wall making a buzzing noise. He didn’t even bother telling his mother where he was going. Eddie darted out the door, not at all caring to grab a jacket. He wished he had convinced his uptight overbearing mother to convince him to get his license. He didn’t even know how to drive, so he had to find another way to make his way to Richie’s house. It was also winter time, so there was no chance he would be able to ride his bike on the icy sidewalk. 

So Eddie ran. He ran to Richie.

~

Richie sucked down another cigarette. He couldn’t do it anymore. As hard as he tried, he felt his body grow heavier every passing moment. He knew he wouldn’t be able to drag it around for much longer. He just needed it all to end. He needed it to all be over. It would be so much easier if it was all just fucking over with.

He didn’t really knew how things like this worked. He stood up and made his way to the bathroom in his hall. He grabbed the razor he used for his to shave face, the one he used for the cuts striping down his arm. He didn’t want to do this. But it was the only way.

~

The cold didn’t bother Eddie as he ran. His adrenaline made him forget about his surroundings. He was a little over half way there.

~

Richie stood in the bathroom deciding what to do next. He decided he wanted to do it in the comfort of his room. He walked back into his room, shut the door, and sat on his bed.

He cried at the thought of his parents walking into his bedroom and finding his dead body. Not that they would be fazed anyways. He was going to do it. It was going to be all over soon. He rolled up the sleeve of his left arm, displaying each and every scar he had previously made. He took the blade in his opposite hand and tried gained the courage it would take to get through this.

~

Eddie made it to Richie’s house. He hoped it wasn’t too late. What if it was? No it couldn’t be. He cringed at the thought of finding a lifeless Richie. Eddie swung the door of Richie’s house open, glad that it wasn’t locked. As he bolted up the stairs he took sight of the beer bottles and the mess of the house. That was the least of his problems.

He finally found Richie’s room at the end of the hallway. He barged through the room and tears rolled down his eyes as he saw Richie. He was still alive.   
Richie’s head shot up when he heard the door open. Eddie could see the tears that covered Richie’s freshly bruised cheeks.

“Eddie what are you doing here?” Richie’s voice came out as barely a whisper, yet genuine shock and confusion could still be heard from across the room. He put the blade on his bed and stood up to get a better view of the boy standing on the opposite side of the room.

Eddie stood in his doorway for a moment, thanking god he wasn’t too late. He then ran across the room to where Richie was standing.

Eddie grabbed Richie’s face in his two hands and looked him in the eyes before standing on his toes to smash his lips into Richie’s. He inhaled the flavor of nicotine that lingered upon Richie’s cracked lips. He didn’t hate it. In fact, he quite loved the taste of Richie.

Richie was extremely confused at the sudden action, but was in no place to protest. Eddie tasted like bubblegum. Richie fucking loved bubblegum. Richie placed a hand on Eddie’s cheek to deepen the kiss, as he also placed a hand on Eddie’s waist to bring them closer together. The fact that Eddie was still kissing him, made his heart swell. Richie tilted his head to try and get a better angle, but his glasses started to press into both of their faces uncomfortably.

They both pulled away, Eddie giggling. Richie placed both of his hands on Eddie’s face as to make sure if he was really there, if he was really even real. He smiled, burying his face in the crook of Eddie’s neck.

Before Richie could even ask him a question, Eddie started talking. “Don’t you ever do something like this again trashmouth, you hear me?” Richie nodded against Eddie’s neck. He pushed Richie’s shoulders back with his hands so he could look him in the eyes.

Richie smiled a bit, causing Eddie to grin a bit too, “Richie Tozier, you are the kindest, sweetest, most fucking hilarious, most loving person I have ever met in my fucking life. Don’t you ever forget that, alright? Alright?” Eddie had started to cry too. He couldn’t bear the thought of loosing Richie forever. He wouldn’t be able to go on.

“Richie without you I-” Eddie had to pause because he was choking on his words due to the tears rolling down his cheeks, but he nevertheless continued, “I don’t think-" 

"Shhhhh,” Richie said, he knew what Eddie was trying to say. Eddie nuzzled his face back into Richie’s chest. They both held on to the other for dear life, with tears greased to their faces. They stayed like that for a while. 

“I love you Richie,” Eddie whispered. Richie was taken aback, but those were exactly the words Richie needed to hear. Richie loved Eddie so much his heart hurt. How could he ever be so selfish to take his own life, leaving a broken Eddie behind.

“I love you too Eddie Spaghetti,” Richie whispered back. Both boys pulled back and looked into each others eyes as they had genuine smiles across their faces.

Richie knew now that no matter how bad life got, or how hard it was to go on, someone would be there. He had someone there all along. Richie thought he would always be alone, he thought this night would be the grand ending to his pathetic life. Thankfully, life didn’t work that way.


End file.
